I've just returned from my first 10 outings as a qualified diver (off a very
pleasant boat in Kalkan, Turkey). It was great fun and I'm eager for more. I
saw some fish, but more of my time was spent observing my fellow divers and
learning about dive boat protocol. There are things that they just don't
tell you on the Open Water Diver course....

1. There are diverse divers: Germans, Brits, Swiss, Dutch, Turkish,
Americans and Irish, for example. The Germans have the best kit and take up
more space on the boat, and they float better. They can also make impressive
noises with compressed air whilst cleaning their jackets. The Brits are very
friendly with the Germans and are careful not to mention the war or recent
football internationals. In return, the Germans don't mention David Beckham
and The Dome. American divers can be overconfident and amuse everyone by
using too much weight whilst underinflating their BCD on entry. Turkish
divers have gills.

2. There are heterosexual and homosexual divers, and its not evident
underwater which is which (even from their bottom times - sorry, that was a
bit cheap).

3. There are a few snooty divers. Experienced or ex-commercial divers that
don't talk to plebs like me. Instead they prefer to chat amongst themselves
about highly technical subjects and about their considerable exploits. They
are the men in black (MIB),... a splash of distinguishing colour would be
far too flippant.

4. There are lots of watchfull experienced divers who will help you to not
make elementary mistakes. For example, taking off your scuba in the water
before your weights.

5. All divers smoke (but not underwater).

6. Everything is 25% bigger underwater, except Baracuda which are 75% bigger
each time the story is told.

7. All divers on holiday can't understand why anyone ever dives in UK
waters. This is a major topic of conversation over lunch. Everyone has
either been to, or is going to the Maldives or the Red Sea. Red Sea divers
have special T-shirts marking them apart from other divers.

8. Lunch comes back to remind you what it was at 20 metres on an afternoon
dive.

9. A dive computer is not a luxury, it is a neccessity. When you are the
only diver that's using tables you can really impress everyone with your
knowledge of pressure groups and surface intervals. However, you have to
effectively ignore the tables, because everyone else's computer is just
miles away from dive table theory. After fairly shallow repetitive dives
with people using dive computers you will be in pressure group ZZ and will
require decompression therapy while they smoke their post-dive cigarette.

10. The fresh water barrel/tank for rinsing kit is, by the end of the day, a
more concentrated saline solution than sea water.

11. You can hear a distinct snigger when you get out your handy spray
dispenser of anti-fog. In terms of the faut pas, this is equivalent to
spending more than a cursory effort making entries in your dive log, saying
"Blonde Women Really Are Fun" out loud, holding tightly onto an anchor chain
in a medium swell and being the first in a group to reach 50 bar on a 10
litre tank.

12. Rental BCDs have no place to attach your dive tables and slate.

13. If you are going to bring back a sea urchin as a romantic trophy for
your wife, don't put it in a place that you will lean on heavily whilst
exiting the water.

14. Bursting the air bubbles that are emanating from a diver 2 metres below
you is childishly blissfull fun.

15. On a Turkish dive boat you must remove your shoes before going in the
cabin.

16. No-one on a dive boat knows everything. They are all at some stage of
learning.